Thoughts & daydreams, 30th July 2013

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A day of reflections & daydreams, 27th July 2012

Sitting at Toast Box, Centrepoint during lunch today.. 

I knew what I wanted to give him. A warm family, a stable house, children.. I will take care of household chores while he cooks.. Or I can cook too. :p haha 

But I also realised, maybe it was because during this relationship I wasnt right in the first place. We argued alot, fought alot, and slowly he started to doubt if I am the one. All the drama and heart ache, I caused him to take was too much perhaps.. I have eliminated them all now, but it was too late. 

Deep down, I know I hated Jireh for cheating me. I'm starting to hate him for it. I know I can't give him anymore than hugs and kisses now.. Because I don't feel comfortable about all the closeness. 

And his friends!! Gosh I honestly hate them too. For not trying to be a good role model and exacerbating everything. No discouragement either. What kind of friends do that anyway?? Only friends who would want him to slide in the same direction as they are going. Nothing but pain and emptiness will fill them soon. 

I would rather have a long tragic lasting relationship than a sexual relationship. I feel, the more sex partners he has, the happier I will become. Because I can fully move on.. Move away from the trash and start my life anew. I deserve that now more than ever. Which makes me think why on earth am I still sticking around with him for these 2 months.. Sigh. 

A heart lingers with a flicker of hope. 

-Vanessa<3

Cried again, 28th July 2013

I cried on the bed this morning.. I can't remember what were some of the thoughts that ran through my head... But it was painful.. So painful that my heart is very numb.. Things will never be the same again. 

I can never trust him the way I did before.. As gullible as I did. :( I still can't, even though he said he never cheated on me while on holiday. But I feel the suspicion every day.. And it aches me every day.. I just try my hardest to live by my own means and find strength in myself. I can't believe in him though I say I chose to believe him. A huge part of me doesn't believe. 

Will I ever find someone to replace you in my heart? 

Even your status on whatsapp is 'sexay vampy' till now still unchanged. I wonder where your heart really is? 

-Vanessa<3