Thoughts & daydreams, 30th July 2013

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A day of reflections & daydreams, 27th July 2012

Sitting at Toast Box, Centrepoint during lunch today.. 

I knew what I wanted to give him. A warm family, a stable house, children.. I will take care of household chores while he cooks.. Or I can cook too. :p haha 

But I also realised, maybe it was because during this relationship I wasnt right in the first place. We argued alot, fought alot, and slowly he started to doubt if I am the one. All the drama and heart ache, I caused him to take was too much perhaps.. I have eliminated them all now, but it was too late. 

Deep down, I know I hated Jireh for cheating me. I'm starting to hate him for it. I know I can't give him anymore than hugs and kisses now.. Because I don't feel comfortable about all the closeness. 

And his friends!! Gosh I honestly hate them too. For not trying to be a good role model and exacerbating everything. No discouragement either. What kind of friends do that anyway?? Only friends who would want him to slide in the same direction as they are going. Nothing but pain and emptiness will fill them soon. 

I would rather have a long tragic lasting relationship than a sexual relationship. I feel, the more sex partners he has, the happier I will become. Because I can fully move on.. Move away from the trash and start my life anew. I deserve that now more than ever. Which makes me think why on earth am I still sticking around with him for these 2 months.. Sigh. 

A heart lingers with a flicker of hope. 

-Vanessa<3

Cried again, 28th July 2013

I cried on the bed this morning.. I can't remember what were some of the thoughts that ran through my head... But it was painful.. So painful that my heart is very numb.. Things will never be the same again. 

I can never trust him the way I did before.. As gullible as I did. :( I still can't, even though he said he never cheated on me while on holiday. But I feel the suspicion every day.. And it aches me every day.. I just try my hardest to live by my own means and find strength in myself. I can't believe in him though I say I chose to believe him. A huge part of me doesn't believe. 

Will I ever find someone to replace you in my heart? 

Even your status on whatsapp is 'sexay vampy' till now still unchanged. I wonder where your heart really is? 

-Vanessa<3

The night I realised I deserved better, 27th July 2013

It was 16th July that I found out he broke my heart. Now I am completely numb to my emotions.. And I find myself incapable of loving him. I'm slowly realising he clearly made a choice since early June- and that choice was not me. I deserved not a trashy boyfriend like him but someone who was not half-hearted thinking about other girls while dating me but only me. He was not the one for me anymore. 

I knew the day will come when someone will be loving and faithful to me 100%. Capable of treating me like a queen. My instincts tell me so. 

Tonight I cried in bed.. I cried because I knew why I loved him so so so much. I really think I can never love any other guy as much as I did to him. 

My heart felt completely at home with him. His presence, his family, some of his friends, made me feel home. I treated him as a husband.. Someone I can invest my love in unconditionally and can fully reciprocate back that amount and more. Perhaps I was just being blinded by love.. Or maybe it was all wishful thinking in the first place.. One-sided love. I never thought one day he would betray me like this. It is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I really thought I could be a wife for him. 

I really thought of caring not only for him, but also his family. That his heart could be at home with me too... But I am completely and utterly devastated till today. Probably nothing can ever revive this tragic love. 

Why did I have the urge to cry in the first place? My HR colleague told me her love story today. She said she thought she could never love anyone else like she did to her first boyfriend... And after dating her sweetheart, she still didnt know he was the one for her. Until 3 years into the relationship then she knew. And love since then has been an exchange. Before marriage, when he proposed, she loved him more than he did.. After marriage he loved her more than she did, some time later she loved him more than he did and so on and so forth. 

But Jireh doesn't understand all of this. He doesn't know that by giving me up now, he will regret it so very much in the future. :( All he wants is fun and exploration. And I can't stop him. No amount of persuasion will... 

I know my heart will always love him.. I can't stop loving him at this moment in time.. But I know my heart one day will freely let him go. I won't resist loving him, but I know someone will come for me soon.. Someone I will be destined to be with and marry. That will maybe be the day my heart will be set free and belong solely to that special person. 

-Vanessa<3

Bumbu Restaurant @ Cross Street, 2nd July 2012

Yummy good food!

I thought I'd collapse and sleep in the restaurant cause I really did not have enough sleep the day before but I didn't! :)

We ordered 7 different dishes that day. And double of spring roll, and green curry. He liked the green curry so much that I kept asking why he just said cause its green curry! -.-" funny. Obvious signs of obsessive food disorder. Lol.

Hehe, after the movie we went to watch spiderman!! It was quite an enjoyable movie.. Except for the fact that I didn't want the 10pm movie case I wanted to go home early for an early night's rest... :O! Eee.

Good food, good movie... Great night!

Vanessa<3

Trip to Woodlands for Seafood @ Woodlands Library, 21st June 2012

Yummy Seafood!! :))

Reached woodlands really late! Around 9pm! and the library was already closed. :( After eating at Plaza 888, we walked to Admiralty MRT to find that the pasa malam there was closed too! :O

I was very sad. (and cried)

Vanessa<3

St James Powerhouse Clubbing @ Habourfront, 18th June 2012

He helped me put eyeshadow on the MRT! I loved it~~~ It is so lovely, and beautiful moment. I wish to have more moments like these. Looking back and treasure that moment.

While waiting for his friends to come, we went to buy beers from 7eleven. Then I was resting on a push cart shop's chair... tired. 

By the time they arrived, it was almost 11pm... We went to the top of the rooftop to drink. Vodka + beer + orange juice. I got drunk after 2 cups. 1 cup of screwdriver, and 1 cup of submarine. 

We drank till 12pm after which we proceeded to survey St. James Powerhouse. But there was no queue and no doors were open! What's happening?! 

Chey, actually the club was free for all on Mondays and its open door. There were only about 6 people in the club sitting and watching the live band. -.- No one was dancing either. LOL.  

So of course we didnt too! 

Vanessa<3

*jireh: So cutttteeee <3I love my cute babo!