The night I realised I deserved better, 27th July 2013

It was 16th July that I found out he broke my heart. Now I am completely numb to my emotions.. And I find myself incapable of loving him. I'm slowly realising he clearly made a choice since early June- and that choice was not me. I deserved not a trashy boyfriend like him but someone who was not half-hearted thinking about other girls while dating me but only me. He was not the one for me anymore. 

I knew the day will come when someone will be loving and faithful to me 100%. Capable of treating me like a queen. My instincts tell me so. 

Tonight I cried in bed.. I cried because I knew why I loved him so so so much. I really think I can never love any other guy as much as I did to him. 

My heart felt completely at home with him. His presence, his family, some of his friends, made me feel home. I treated him as a husband.. Someone I can invest my love in unconditionally and can fully reciprocate back that amount and more. Perhaps I was just being blinded by love.. Or maybe it was all wishful thinking in the first place.. One-sided love. I never thought one day he would betray me like this. It is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I really thought I could be a wife for him. 

I really thought of caring not only for him, but also his family. That his heart could be at home with me too... But I am completely and utterly devastated till today. Probably nothing can ever revive this tragic love. 

Why did I have the urge to cry in the first place? My HR colleague told me her love story today. She said she thought she could never love anyone else like she did to her first boyfriend... And after dating her sweetheart, she still didnt know he was the one for her. Until 3 years into the relationship then she knew. And love since then has been an exchange. Before marriage, when he proposed, she loved him more than he did.. After marriage he loved her more than she did, some time later she loved him more than he did and so on and so forth. 

But Jireh doesn't understand all of this. He doesn't know that by giving me up now, he will regret it so very much in the future. :( All he wants is fun and exploration. And I can't stop him. No amount of persuasion will... 

I know my heart will always love him.. I can't stop loving him at this moment in time.. But I know my heart one day will freely let him go. I won't resist loving him, but I know someone will come for me soon.. Someone I will be destined to be with and marry. That will maybe be the day my heart will be set free and belong solely to that special person. 

-Vanessa<3